It’s impossible to deny that as humans living in this modern society, there’s an insane amount of external demands on us. Between work, partner (or dating), family, social life, working out, social media, and all the rest, it’s a lot to handle daily. For many people, especially women who have a demanding job, run their own business, or have a couple of kids, often what comes last is getting intimate with your partner. Intimacy is essential for a relationship’s longevity and satisfaction, so why do so many of us struggle to prioritize it? The good news is that there is a way to ensure you don’t keep getting sucked into this again, which can lead to feeling like you’re living with a roommate (not very sexy, am I right?). Here’s how: invite more pleasure into your relationship.
Discuss your particular desires, fantasies, and curiosities with your partner.
Start by setting the mood and asking your partner if they’re up for a fun conversation (making sure they consent is important; otherwise, you may not get the answer you desire if they’re not in the mood).
Here are some prompts you can ask:
- What turns you on the most?
- What turns you off?
- What is your ideal scene to get you in the mood?
- What are you curious about exploring?
- What is your biggest sexual fantasy? (Remember, a fantasy isn’t necessarily something they would actually want in real life, so try not to judge this one)
- What makes you feel embarrassed, scared, or excited?
- Ask them to finish this sentence “I love it the most when you…”
- Ask them to finish this sentence “What I’d love even more from you is…”
The more specific you can be with your partner, the better. In other words, don’t just say, “I want to try something new.” Be specific: “I want to try X with Y person/in Z position/with a little bit of A and B thrown in there too.”
Being open and honest is one of the most powerful things a person can do for their sex life—and it could help make your relationship even stronger!
Talk about what makes these things turn you on, what makes them scary, and what makes them embarrassing (if any). If it helps, start by telling some stories about previous experiences that have been positive (or negative) for both of you.
Communication is essential for connection and intimacy. Many women need emotional intimacy before they are ready for sexual intimacy, so this is a great warm-up activity.
Have a no-judgment zone around pleasure.
You may have heard of the no-judgment zone, but what does that mean?
It means not making a big deal out of pleasure. It’s not all the same, so don’t treat it as if it is. Some people are more comfortable with certain kinds of pleasure than others. So if you want to invite more pleasure into your relationship with your partner, you must work out what feels suitable for each person individually—and then do it!
Self-pleasure is an excellent source of connection with yourself. It allows you to explore and get intimate with yourself in private, making you feel more comfortable and confident going into pleasure with your partner.
It’s also very connecting with your partner—like when you feel outstanding after having sex or when you feel really connected because you both just went on a hike together and saw something beautiful in nature (or whatever else makes people happy).
Be consistent about cultivating pleasure and using it as a source of connection with your partner.
There are a few ways you can use pleasure to cultivate a connection with your partner. The first is ensuring that the opportunities for pleasure are consistent and plentiful in your relationship. Don’t think of it as something you do once in a while, or when your partner has been “good,” but rather as a regular part of life together.
The second thing is to resist making pleasure mandatory or optional; don’t use it as a reward for things like chores or try to sneak it in when they’re not looking (or asleep). And thirdly–and this one may sound strange–you need to ensure that you’re not using pleasure as punishment either! If you don’t like something about your partner’s behavior, then address those issues: talk about what happened and why it bothered you; share how their actions made you feel, and ask them if there was anything else behind their words.
Try to explore different kinds of sensations and experiences in several ways.
The ultimate goal is to connect with your partner at the deepest level and give them pleasure in a way that makes them feel like they have never felt before. This can be achieved through different sensations (using different textures, toys, materials, and temperatures), experiences, locations, time of day, and positions. You may want to try a new toy or technique to find out what works best for you both (I highly recommend this).
Let your curiosity be the guide to where you find pleasure.
However long you’ve been together, there is always more depth to explore, and more you can learn about your partner. You are both dynamic people who are constantly changing, and so is your relationship. It’s important to stay curious about your partner as well as yourself. Don’t make assumptions or expect things to always be the same as last week, last month, or even last year, and be open to getting out of your sexual comfort zone to explore new things! Let curiosity be the guide for where you find pleasure together; it will open up new doors for both of you and is the recipe for an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship.
I have a little challenge for you:
Try something new together this weekend!
Take a trip to your local store to explore a new toy, create a new sexy playlist (here’s one of mine you can test ride), or dive into the intimate questions above.
Pleasure is not just one thing. It can be many things, so try lots of things!
Pleasure can be many things. It can be a deep sigh or a tingling sensation in your body. It can be a thought—the idea that you’re doing something you enjoy and that you deserve happiness. Pleasure can also be experienced as sensations, including physical ones like warmth, coldness, and pressure on your skin; emotional ones such as excitement or relaxation; or intellectual ones like understanding something new.
Suppose you want to invite more pleasure into your life. In that case, you need to expand your definition of what brings you joy beyond the traditional definitions of “fun” activities (like going out with friends) or “feel good” activities (like eating ice cream). Pleasure comes in all forms:
- An accomplishment at work.
- Spending time with someone who loves us for who we are.
- Having sex with someone, we care about deeply.
Pleasure is not just one thing. It can be many things, so try lots of things!
Conclusion
I hope you’re a little turned on with some new ideas and insights into how to invite more pleasure into your relationship with your partner. You might be surprised at how easy it is to start enjoying sex more and reconnecting with what truly makes you feel good. By being open, communicating clearly, and fostering a safe space in which to explore different options together, you can make sex even better than before! Let me know how it goes!