Let’s get real, ladies. Sex drive, libido, whatever you want to call it – it’s a topic that’s not always easy to talk about. But it’s an important one because understanding what impacts a woman’s libido can help us take control of our own sexual health and satisfaction. So, let’s dive in!
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Libido is a person’s desire for sexual activity or sex drive. When people talk about libido, it is referenced as either high, meaning that a person has a stronger desire for sexual activity, or low, indicating a lesser urge for sexual activity.
It’s important to note that there is no way to measure libido; therefore, it is relatively subjective based on what an individual perceives as a high or low sex drive.
What impacts libido and the ability to have orgasms for women?
Your sexual desire is an essential indicator of overall health and wellness. It’s important to note that fluctuating libido is typical, depending on the many influencing factors, one of the biggest ones being stress. Your libido and ability to have an orgasm are two different things. Much of society associates sex with orgasm, yet there is so much more to sex than orgasm.
Libido differs from person to person, and there are many influencing factors: Your nutrition, hydration, sleep and exercise all affect how you feel and your energy levels, which in turn influences your libido, not only from an internal perspective but also from your confidence level. If you’re feeling insecure or lacking confidence in your body, it can be more challenging for women to relax during intimacy, especially with a partner.
Medication and Hormones
As a woman with a cycle, your hormones fluctuate throughout the month, meaning your libido can fluctuate too. Ever noticed that around ovulation, your sexual desire goes through the roof? Hormonal birth control also impacts libido; many women experience a significantly lower libido when taking contraceptives. As well as many other medications can also impact your sexual desire.
The number one destroyer of libido is stress. When we’re living in a state of stress, the body produces more cortisol, and our body is in fight or flight mode, which will reduce sexual desire. Experiencing low libido? This is the first thing to look at “how can I reduce the stress in my life?” Remembering all the small things that can put stress on a woman’s body too, like too much caffeine or not eating enough – look into your daily habits and routine to see what you can shift.
Does your environment influence libido and the ability to orgasm? Absolutely.
- Are your roommates hanging out in the other room, kids playing outside your door, or your dogs asleep on your pillow?
- Is your bedroom feeling cluttered with dirty laundry everywhere?
- Are you expecting your mother-in-law to arrive and walk in the door in the next 20 minutes?
If you’ve experienced the mild panic of the above, the deeper question is, “where and how do I feel the safest?” Safety is an often overlooked yet critical ingredient to sexual intimacy and orgasm. This could look like locking the door, making sure no one is home, playing music so that there are no external distractions so that the environment feels safe and supportive for you to get intimate and vulnerable (because sex and orgasms are one of the most deeply vulnerable and intimate experiences for a human).
Relationship issues, such as lack of trust or communication, can impact a woman’s libido. If your relationship has unresolved issues or resentment, your libido, and sexual attraction will be affected as you require closeness and emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy.
How “in your head” vs. “in your body are you.”
Have you ever been so distracted while getting intimate with your partner because that voice in your head is judging every tiny detail about you, how you look, smell, sound, and move in the bedroom? Have you ever been getting down and dirty and started thinking about everything on your to-do list or what to cook for dinner? Do you see your partner doing things to you, yet you’re not really experiencing the pleasure you know you could be?
Yes? That indicates that you’re spending too much time in your mind, and it’s time to get into your body before intimacy.
5 tips to have better libido and orgasms for women
Now that we know what can impact a woman’s libido let’s talk about how to have a stronger libido. Here are five tips:
First, note that having a higher libido and experiencing orgasm are two different things. They are, of course, interconnected, and the below five tips will be supportive. However, it’s worth noting if you are happy with your libido yet struggle with orgasms, it could be worth getting support from a therapist or Sex Coach to safely support you in your journey.
Breathwork is the number one tool that gets you out of your head and into your body and supports cultivating a deep connection with your body. A recipe for orgasm is to feel safe, surrender, and release the goal focus of having an orgasm. Have you ever tried to force an orgasm with a vibrator, and it feels so anti-climatic? That can result from being in your head and bypassing your body’s natural rhythm to force an outcome.
Breathwork is a powerful embodiment practice that sensitizes your whole system and will open you up to feeling a deeper connection, more pleasure, and getting into the state of surrender to experience a deep orgasm. Taking 5 minutes to do a connected breath in and out through your mouth (alone or with your partner) will warm your body and the mind to quiet before getting into intimacy. Doing this consistently will transform your sexual experience.
Engage Your Senses
Sensuality is separate from sexuality yet often overlooked due to societal conditioning of the quick-fix orgasm (with a partner or your trusty vibrator). By slowing down and bringing in different textures, flavors, smells, temperatures, speeds, and music, you allow yourself to get the mood and warm up, and your body slowly starts to open up. Engaging your senses and savoring in the experience brings you into your body and turns on before you even enter any sexual activity. This is essential for women as the average time it takes for a woman to warm up and get turned on is between 20 and 40 minutes. Your body must be a full yes before you enter any sexual stimulation, an essential factor in determining whether an orgasm occurs. Light a candle, play sensual music, and get some essential oils and toys to weave in your senses and warm you up before getting sexual.
Women need emotional and physical intimacy before opening up to sexual intimacy, so make time for non-sexual touch and romance with yourself and with your partner. Just like when you’re going out on a first date, you need to get to know each other and warm up to one another first – the same goes for your relationship with yourself.
Grab your journal and dive into these prompts for yourself:
- What turns you on?
- What turns you off?
- What gets you in the mood the most?
- What is your favorite body part to be touched
- What is your dream date?
- What is your biggest fear?
Create a Safe & Loving Environment
After getting curious and intimate with yourself, set up a time to date yourself to create a safe environment to go deep with and date yourself. Whatever you’d love your partner to do, how can you give that to yourself? Take yourself on a romantic dinner date, buy flowers, come home, run a bath with candles, play that sexy playlist, and see where the night takes you. This level of depth is so important for women with themselves and with their partners, so don’t skip over this part – make time for yourself!
What does this have to do with sex? Everything! Society has normalized numbing ourselves through overworking, scrolling, and drinking alcohol to deal with our busy and stressful lives. Numbing ourselves causes further disconnection in the body and means when big, stressful events occur, like a breakup, death in the family, or some form of trauma, we likely won’t have the tools to process them or heal the emotions in our body. What happens to those emotions? They get lodged in our bodies like little blocks of frozen ice, which can lead to more stress and anxiety in the body. The most significant gift we can gift ourselves is learning to process our emotions and trauma so that they no longer live in our bodies. This means we’ll develop a more profound capacity for feeling in our body. Yes, we have to feel the pain to release it, but that also means an expanded capacity for experiencing pleasure.
Experiencing pain during sex, feeling numb inside, struggling to feel pleasure, and having difficulty orgasming can be an indicator that there is some deep emotional healing to be explored in the body (note: it is worth having anything medical ruled out first or seeking support, especially if you have experienced trauma). Everything is interconnected within the human body, and many often do not consider this piece. Yet, it can be the missing piece for women desiring to experience more sexual desire and orgasms.
Lastly, if you’re experiencing a lower libido or difficulty experiencing orgasm, please know that it does not mean anything about you – you are not broken! As you can see, many influencing factors exist, so understand that a low libido now doesn’t mean a low libido forever. There are so many influencing factors in libido and orgasm. Unfortunately, there isn’t a switch that can be flicked on. Commit to exploring yourself, getting intimate, and experimenting with the tips explainer here. From one woman who once had no libido to becoming a multi-orgasmic woman, if it’s possible for me, it is for you too.
In conclusion, understanding what impacts a woman’s libido is essential in taking control of your sexual health and satisfaction. By prioritizing self-care, communicating with your partner, experimenting with different types of stimulation, considering therapy, and exploring herbal remedies, you can help boost your libido and enjoy a fulfilling sex life. So take charge of your sex drive (if you desire support in this, fill out this form to contact me) and let your inner goddess shine!